Originally Published in HarvestMag

Singleness is a gift from Yahweh.  He has made each of us just as we are for a purpose, and we have a choice to either accept that gift or reject it.  For most of us, it will be a gift for a time meaning that we will marry at some point in life.  It is not always the easiest gift to be happy or content with.  I was pondering this question, when I read a quote that answered it very nicely.  “Remember, God Himself was the one who said in Genesis, ‘It is not good for man to be alone!’ God knew that man was incomplete without woman – even though God was there, too.  The desire to be ‘completed’ by a woman is formed by God into the heart of every man.” [1] 

Even though this is a God given desire, we need to head what Paul so wisely wrote in Philippians 4:11b “I have learned to be content regardless of circumstances.”  If I cannot learn to be content as a single, how will I ever be content once I am married?  We need to find our contentment with Yahweh and our relationship to him.  Then count everything above that as extra blessings.  If I am content in Yahweh, then I will be prepared to better weather the storms of life such as illness, financial issues, or other troubles while truly enjoying the blessings He sends my way.

While we are single, we need to stay focused on the priorities that Yahweh has given us during this time.  We can divide it down to five areas - our relationship to Yahweh, our family, our congregation, our friends, and our community.  As we focus on these areas, we encourage ourselves and our spiritual walk to grow making us a better person who is more conformed to the image of our Messiah and ultimately a better future mate.  I think this is well summed up in Psalm 105:4 "Seek Adonai and his strength; always seek his presence."  We need to be pursuers of Yahweh.  Do you realize that our relationship with Yahweh is a love relationship like that of a bride and groom?  Marriage has many purposes, and one of those purposes is to reflect the relationship of Yahweh to His children in a way we can understand and desire.  As a single, I need to be turning my desire for a spouse into an even deeper desire to know Yahweh.  Then out of this time of focus on my spiritual relationship and growth, I will have a much stronger relationship with my future mate if that is Yahweh’s will for my life. 

This does not mean that I will be perfect.  We are human after all!  1 Corinthians 10:13 promises us “No temptation has seized you beyond what people normally experience, and God can be trusted not to allow you to be tempted beyond what you can bear. On the contrary, along with the temptation he will also provide the way out, so that you will be able to endure.” We overcome temptations by living according to the Bible (Torah Lifestyle) all the time, having a relationship with Yahweh, talking to Him in prayer, and by reading the Scriptures.  Being around guys and for guys being around girls can awaken thoughts and desires that are God given; however, the enemy may use these God given desires to try to take them into unhealthy desires.  We have the choice to either respond with a Godly response or allow the enemy to distort it.  As for me personally, I find asking myself the question of “Am I treating this guy like a brother?” as a good guard.  That means that even if a guy has caught my attention, you cannot tell from my actions or attitude any difference in how I treat him from the other guys who have not caught my eye.  This wall of protection helps to keep my heart in align as I seek to fully give that area back to Yahweh and keep it a healthy desire surrendered to Him. 

One important key is that we all need accountability partners.  The best person to choose would be our parents, but if they are unable or unwilling to do so because of death, not being saved, or separation by distance, find an older Godly couple who is willing.  An accountability partner is someone who is older than you that has been there and can help you through this area of singleness.  I have personally found having my parents there to talk with me, pray with me, encourage me, and understand me has helped in ways innumerable.  I also have a couple of close friends who are believers, and we seek to encourage each other as we walk similar paths. 

The other area that I have found important is to guard what we read, what we watch, and what we listen to.  If we are constantly listening to romantic love songs or reading books focused on romance, we easily lead ourselves into a focus on this area.  Rather, we need to remember our focus as singles is to be on Yahweh and our relationship with Him.  Do not allow yourself to slip into the way the world tries to make relationships work - jumping from one person to another, having no standards, and sexual immorality.  Remember we are to be a set apart people!

One of my favorite quotes is “You don’t have to do anything but concentrate on being the right person - the person Yahweh wants you to be - instead of finding the right person.  Godly marriages are made by first living Godly lives.  It is Yahweh’s responsibility to whether you will marry and when you will marry.  The arrangement is up to Him.  How simple...Yahweh is [then] the matchmaker.”[2]   You see by allowing Yahweh to be the matchmaker, you are freed to focus on your relationship with Yahweh until that time when He brings you and your future mate together.

Once we have gotten the base built of our relationship with Yahweh, there are a few things to be working on during this time of preparation.  One, notice the positive and negative.  Notice what turns you off when you are around other singles.  Is he or she flirty?  Or does this person not show respect to other people?  Begin making a list of things you do not want in your future mate.  At the same time, notice the positive.  Is she a cheerful helper when she see something that needs doing?  Is he willing to help with the younger children in the group?  Add these items which stand out to you as well as considering the opposites of the negatives which you have listed such as genuine (opposite of flirt) and respectful (opposite of disrespectful).  Learn from your brothers and sisters.  It is very helpful to establish a standard before you are considering a relationship.  Once the emotions are awakened, it is very easy to slip on rose colored glasses and forget the discernment.  This list along with accountability are two key ways to keep the glasses of reality on. 

Also, seek to enjoy healthy brother sister relationships with people of the opposite gender.  Having young men and ladies you can relate to in the congregational group setting is a good learning ground.  Treat each other with respect and without defrauding.  Having healthy relationships helps to build in each of us good character as well as helps us to learn how each gender relates to one another.  And as you do so and keep focused on growing in Yahweh, you never know the exciting plans that Yahweh has in store for your life!

Finally, realize that Yahweh has a perfect plan for your life.  Do not be afraid to follow what He has for you.  There are many ministry opportunities that as singles we are free to do that we may not be able to serve in once we are married.  Realize that Yahweh has a reason for allowing your time of singleness whether it is to allow you to grow, your future spouse to grow, or to fulfill a Kingdom need.  When the timing is right, Yahweh will bring you together.  Until then, remain content and pure.